Back to Main
Rejected Rick Strips Scripts
By Redphantom Xenpsychous
Here we are again, it's been two years since we released the first Rick strip, and we have a bunch of scripts from year two that were rejected and unused. We have considerably more of these this year than last. The main culprit for this year for the unused scripts was me. I came to dislike a lot of the scripts, and got rid of them as I was writing new ones. I've had writer's block at times this year, and I've had times when I've felt I wasn't on my game. I feel this contributes.
Issue 59 was an Issue Stephen had agreed to do around the time of Rick's first anniversary. He designed Rick, so I thought it would be cool if he did a guest comic around that time. I also had thought it was so complex, it would be good to throw at Stephen. I still have much respect and admiration for his artistic skill. Stephen was even going to edit it to make it a special Issue and easier to draw. Alas, this did not come to fruition.
These comics feature a series of recurring comics I wanted to do, but didn't pan out, where Rick draws comics. I was also going to have a recurring motif where Chupacabra was a Democrat, and Bigfoot was a Republican, with Mothman being a crazy independent with Liberal leanings, being a substitute for Rick, and thus for Redphantom.
James was meant to be a recurring character, but I decided against using him. I could still use him some day. I had Alan, still a guest character, in my mind for a while. Only when I figured out how to do the character justice in his introduction did I use him.
Last note, I wrote many comics about all of America's wars, and about Network Neutrality, all at once. The idea was to have many comics about those topics just laying around, so we could use them whenever they would be needed. That did not pan out as well as I hoped. We used many of them, and many of them were our memorable comics, but it also produced a lot of clunkers.
Now, the comics:
The entire yard is dug up and Cedric has a house pumping water into it, Rick holds a camera, John holds cue cards facing away from the reader, Boy 1, Girl 1, and Jimmy are dressed like Hamatoids1 walking through the dug up flooded yard which has cardboard ruins of the city.
Boy 1: Oh snap. The humans have finally create the environmental ecopo-acopolapse. The planet belongs to us, the Hamatoids.
Girl 1: We have been watching this planet for twenty billion years, from the dimension F, and now it is ours.
Jimmy: Long live Socialism-hey, why do I always have to say the controversial stuff?
Boy 1, Girl 1, and Jimmy keep walking, Damon is standing still looking unhappy dressed like a pile of money, also, now we see Boy 1 and Girl 1's mother in the background dressing BOBK up like a cowboy.
Boy 1: Why are there piles of money everywhere?
Girl 1: Apparently the humans decided to do what would make money as opposed to fixing the environment. Foolish humans.
Jimmy: Maybe they thought they were going to buy a big ass yacht.
Picture moves to show Quentin and Agogwe standing next to Boy 1 and Girl 1's Mother and BOBK, Quentin is dressed like Susan B. Anthony, and Agogwe has been shaved and dressed up like Jesus, Damon is still in the picture, looking as unhappy as ever.
Damon: Why do I have to be a prop?
The picture moves to show a car in the background, Darrel is standing outside the driver's seat, to which the door is open, Darrel's wife is in the car looking mortified, Boy 1 and Girl 1's Mother and BOBK are still in the picture.
Darrel: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY FRONT YARD?
Boy 1 and Girl 1's Mother: It's ok, Rick might be an asshole, but it's creative, it's good for the kids.
Rick is drawing a comic, we see part of his head so we know it is him, his hand, and the comic.
We zoom in on the comic so that we see only it, it is set in the woods with a Bigfoot, a Chupacabras, and the Mothman.
Chupacabras: Hi, I'm a Democrat. I support positive liberty, the idea that the government must interfere with certain institutions to insure freedom such as equal rights. I support universal healthcare, economic regulation, and government assistance to the poor.
Bigfoot: Boo! If you do that, the government will enslave you, that's what we Republicans say.
Bigfoot: That's why you should just let corporations do all of this. Place your welfare in the hands of something legally defined as an entity to make money. Let the ghost of Michael Jackson babysit your kids while you're at it.
Mothman: Have either of you considered just not expecting others to provide everything for you?
Cedric, Rick, and BOBK sit in Cedric's living room.
Cedric: As a solution to our current climate change predicament, I propose we impose a restriction which is as follows: one baby for each couple. Yes, yes, and I believe each person in the world should make the conversion to being vegetarian.
BOBK: That's asinine.
BOBK: Limiting population as a solution to climate change would be like if wanted to put out a comic book, but we could only make 200,000 of them. So to make sure everyone got one, we just killed a bunch of our fans.
Rick: I never thought of it that way.
Cedric: Very well, I still put forth a measure for us to all become vegetarians.
Rick: The problem with that is that it would be like if a thief to stop stealing other peoples clothes...and then he decided to just walk around naked.
Rick: There are other ways that are more environmentally friendly to get our meat.
Cedric: I see, Evidentially today is international metaphor day.
Shows Rick drawing a comic.
Bigfoot is talking to Uncle Sam.
Bigfoot: Spend a fuckload of money and fight the War on Terror.
Bigfoot is talking to a more beat up Uncle Sam.
Bigfoot: Spend a fuckload of money and fight the War on Terror.
Uncle Sam is now ragged and holding a sign which says, “Will Work for Food.”
Bigfoot: Why is the fucking economy so bad? Fix it.
Rick is drawing a comic.
Bigfoot talks to Chupacabra.
Chupacabra: Let's not go to war with Iraq.
Bigfoot: You're a hippy.
Chupacabra: Let's end the was in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Bigfoot: You're a hippy...and you don't support the troops. Asswipe.
Chupacabra: Let's end the Afghanistan War.
Bigfoot: You know what? Fuck the troops, let's forget Afghanistan and talk about immigration. You see, we need to bomb them as they cross the border...
Rick stands on Darrell's porch dressed as a dead Afghan soldier, looking awkward, Darrell's Wife stands in the doorway looking at him.
Rick: Wow...I didn't expect you to be against the War in Afghanistan...
Darrell's Wife: Yeah...my brother died there...
Rick: Wow...um, I'm sorry for your loss...
Darrell's Wife: Yeah...you know Darrell's out if you wanted to come in for some soda.
Rick: No...I should go...
Darrell's Wife: You know it's not just that my brother died there...
Darrell's Wife: I mean, most people think the war is going worse than the economy. That makes it more fucked up than...you.
Rick, John, and Cedric sit at a table.
John: I think you're being a bit hard on Obama.
Cedric: Most certainly, he accomplished much.
Cedric: Why, he did a jolly good job of going from a middle class Negro to a millionaire author. And my goodness, his campaign to become president was bloody brilliant. Bloody brilliant, the first Negro to hold that office.
Cedric: Unfortunate that in office he acts with regard to the wars like little more than a well educated soft spoken George Bush...
Rick: Who happens to be black.
Rick: I'm sad I would get in trouble if I called him a gangster president for his war crimes. I called Bush a gangster president.
Rick draws a comic.
Bigfoot, Chupacabra, Mothman, the Lock Ness Monster, and the Dover Demon stand together all wearing ridiculous earrings, The Jersey Devil stands alone looking irritated.
Bigfoot: Hey Iran, looking to join the earring club?
Dover Demon: Fat chance, we're the only ones who can earrings.
Lock Ness Monster: He's a step closer to getting one now, let's go kick his ass.
Mothman: Uh, I'm pretty sure it would take him a year to get the material just to make one, and even then, the equipment to make one is so huge I'm pretty sure we'd notice in time to prevent it.
Jersey Devil: I wanna pierce my cock!
Rick sets down with the Teabaggers in a fancy restaurant.
Darrell: Sanctions against Iran haven't had a big impact, we need to nuke them to hell.
Rick: You know what I say to that?
Rick throws fungus in the Teabaggers food.
Rick: You've got fungus in your food.
Darrell: That ruins this meal, I guess, but it won't kill me.
Rick: That's what you say now, but just wait a few hours, and pretend like you don't have the money to buy new food.
Rick: I'd bet you'd be more willing to do what I say to make me stop throwing fungus in your food.
John and BOBK browse a clothing store in the mall.
John: Where are Rick and Cedric?
BOBK: I have no idea.
Next to other stores, there is a group of people, and Rick dressed as a Dingonek, Cedric sits on a bench eating a sandwich.
Rick: I'M NOT JUST A DINGONEK, I'M ALSO A JEW. I SURVIVED TWO GENOCIDES!
Cedric: Terribly sorry about all of that, chap.
Rick walks up to Cedric.
Rick: Are you eating a Dingonek sandwich? ARE YOU DENYING THE DINGONEK HOLOCAUST?
Cedric: No I daresay I am not. Terribly sorry for your loss mate, don't take this the wrong way, but I daresay your experiences with genocide might have made you a tad paranoid.
Rick punches Cedric.
Rick: DON'T DENY THE HOLOCAUST YOU ASSHOLE! NEVER AGAIN! NEVER AGAIN!
John opens the door, and it is James, dressed like a member of the mafia, Rick sits by his computer dressed as Saddam Hussein when he was found after hiding for months from U.S. Forces in Iraq.
James: I heard we got a computer problem.
John: You must be James...
James works on the computer, Rick has his fake beard off and is playing with it.
Rick: So...what do you think of Network Neutrality, James?
James: Bad idea.
Rick: Why, don't you think Network Neutrality backs up Democratic ideals like free speech and prevents censorship.
James: Yeah, yeah, but we just don't have the infrastructure for it, we're about to run out of bandwidth as it is.
Rick: So much for “Scientists dream about doing great things. Engineers do them.”, James Michener.
Rick eats lunch with James in a restaurant.
James: Tiered Internet is just like paying for premium cable channels or flying first class.
Rick: Yeah, and we shouldn't have too many blogs because there isn't enough room in the editorial column.
Rick: The FCC should directly censor Internet content because you can't filter it from a PC or from a router which your damn kid doesn't have the password too.
Rick: And we should all date online because it's safer, and it guarantees you won't get murdered, taken hostage, or raped, and offers all the advantages of normal social contact.
Rick: Not everything in the physical world directly translates to the Internet. You can't compare the Internet to television just like no one can compare television to radio.
Darrell inspects a damaged car and Rick supervises.
Darrell: You say you did this making a point about Network Neutrality?
Darrell: You know, I think those Internet companies should be able to regulate the Internet. They own it.
Rick: Corporations are ruthless and cut throat. Let them monitor what traffic gets through and they'll start censoring rival services.
Darrell: Now hold on there, corporations ain't all bad. We don't have to go persecuting them just because they might be doing bad things. Give them a chance.
Rick: That's an interesting Tea Party concept. Give the corporations a chance, they're good for America...
Rick: Why don't you just give Barack Obama absolute power while you're at it? He's a nice guy. I'm sure he won't fuck people over...
Darrell's Wife is in her bathroom brushing her teeth, Rick is behind her dressed as a Tatzelwurm.
Darrell's Wife: Network Neutrality is just Socialism for the Internet.
Rick: Yes, if we have Network Neutrality, then Joseph Stalin will pop out of our computers and punch us in the face.
Rick: If we have Network Neutrality, we'll get shitty government operated apartments and be assigned jobs.
Rick: If we have Network Neutrality, the economy will go to shit, and dogs and cats will be forced to breed until they're one, self loathing, conflicted race.
Darrell's Wife: So...why did you have to come at five in the morning, talk politics, and dress like a fish just to clean my toilet?
Rick: Why are you brushing your teeth while I'm trying to do the job?
John and Rick walk through a neighbor's yard, John has a cake.
Rick: Why do we have to bring this asshole we don't even know a cake again?
John: Because he just moved in. It's the neighborly thing. Be nice.
The neighbor opens his door and it is the Heavenly Lake Monster.
John: Um...so you're...the Lock Ness Monster...
Heavenly Lake Monster: I'm the Heavenly Lake Monster. I camped out on your lawn a few months ago. For five days.
John: Right...and now you live here...
Heavenly Lake Monster: Yep. But don't tell the government because I'm not a naturalized citizen yet. Tests are hard.
Rick: So Heavenly...what do you think of the Google Verizon plan?
Heavenly Lake Monster: Having the old Internet be neutral and wireless be not? It's like how they have “freedom zones” back home. China isn't fooling anyone and it just makes them seem more evil.
Rick, Damon, Darrel, and Darrel's wife sit at the table in the Teabaggers' house.
Damon: I think, when I grow up, I want to be a rapper.
Rick: Don't be a rapper, work at a gas station. That way you get to meet fun people.
Darrel: Fuck that, Damon needs to join the army.
Darrel's Wife: And he can still meet interesting people.
Darrel: Yeah, and he can be a hero, and serve his country. Plus it will make him responsible and tough.
Darrel's Wife: And he can get a discount on food.
Damon: I know, they're always telling us about the army at school.
Rick: Rolls his eyes.
Gee, I wonder why today's adolescents are so violent...
Rick and John sit in the kitchen.
John: You know what, Rick? I'm hopeful about America's future.
Rick: Those weren't skittles you ate, it was Ecstasy.
John: No Rick, I haven't eaten anything all day, because we're broke. But, I'm hopeful for the future. We're going to win an idea, because Barack Obama said so.
Rick: I'm hopeful for the future, too.
Rick: In ten years, we've gone from declaring war on an idea to just trying to win it. Still not smart, but it's a step in the right direction.
Rick: Maybe by the time I die, we'll have curbed carbon emissions and learned to stop torturing people.
Rick walks into the house, John smiles and walks over to Rick.
John: I got you a present.
John gestures towards a row of ten TVs, all showing various news shows.
Rick: Points to one screen.
Is that Glen Beck?
John: Yeah, now you can get the views of each different party at once.
Rick: They're all covering the same story. There are explosions, rubble, death, and chaos on each screen. This isn't news, it's reality television.
John: Yeah, but it presents every view of the news situation. Every party.
Rick: No, all these news stations belong to the same party, the Party of Sadists. I'd be less depressed if I watched a channel that showed nothing but funerals and better informed if I read nothing but pornography.
Cedric walks around a grocery store, he walks up to a customer, holding a pint of oil.
Cedric: Would you like a free sample of oil, it's good shit.
Lilian walks up to Cedric.
Lilian: Sir, could you please stop that? It's destroying the future.
Cedric: Fuck you.
Jimmy walks up to Cedric.
Jimmy: Did you know that if we reduce oil consumption, it could help us economically?
Cedric: Fuck you.
Rick walks up to Cedric, John is in the background shopping(Make it wide, Jimmy is in the scene as well).
Rick: If we reduce oil consumption, it will improve national security.
Cedric: Fuck you.
Jimmy: Man, this guy is stubborn, even for posterity, his own health, wealth, and safety, he just won't stop.
John: Ok, this is the last time you guys come grocery shopping with me.
Cedric is having tea with Rick and John.
Cedric: I don't like the French.
John: What's not to like about France?
Cedric: They initiated an imperialist war after which time they persuaded America to cooperate, maneuvering them into a downright humiliating defeat.
John: I don't like the War in Libya any more than you do, but that's no reason to hate an entire country. The French government might be wrong on this one, but so is ours.
Cedric: My dear boy, I was talking about Vietnam.
John: Maybe congress will eventually invoke the War Powers Resolution.
Rick: Oh no, they're too busy trying to cut spending to end a 750 million dollar military action.
Contact Geek Force
Redphantom rantings are licensed under the Creative Commons Atttibution-Noncommercial
3.0 United States License.
Click here for more information about this Copyright License.