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Come Hither Part I
By Redphantom Xenpsychous
I was sitting at my computer at about seven in the morning. I was tired, having spent the
entire night reading articles on the Internet, and coding for a website. The old dusty
stereo in my room was hooked into my computer and blasting the song Goldilocks by Remez.
I was enjoying the sound of Goldilocks, "And papa bear arrived home, to find
Goldilocks in his daughter's bed, bound with bowstrings, one by one the strings came
undone, Goldilocks looked up at him, and he said, 'Die!'"
I was browsing an online bookstore, looking at a book called the "The Anatomy of
Fascism”, and feeling disappointed that I could not afford it. That's when I heard someone
behind me, "Man, Ruby Drip, you've been strung out on that computer for days.
Drifting through the ether of bits and bytes, flying through lands of pure information and
pornography. Navigating through the maze of egotistical teenaged woman, hacker gnomes,
Trojan worms, and swamps of liquid spam covered in the fog of email scams. You need to go
on outside and cut some grass, boy."
I smiled, I'd recognize that distinctive deep bass voice anywhere, I turned to him and
said, "What's up, Pekoe?"
Pekoe replied, "How can one with the sacred instrument of astroprojection which
allows him to communicate telepathically with friends and enables him to know of events
on the other side of the planet not now what is up?"
"I'm using it to shop for books right now."I said.
"The magic box can be utilized to mobilize the mover drones to deliver onto you the
package which holds the food of the mind and soul."Pekoe chanted.
I laughed, "I pay them for it."
Pekoe sighed, "Chives always dreamed that one day boys and girls would wake up to a
world where the sun shined bright, trees danced to the soft tune of a gentle breeze, and
knowledge was free."Pekoe paused, looked at the stereo for a moment, and then asked,
"Who is this beating out this tune?"
I smiled, "That's the Remez song Goldilocks, about the biblical character Samson."
I paused and then explained, "Remez is a Jewish metal band."Then I asked
Pekoe, "Who is Chives?"
At this question, Pekoe gave a broad smile, "Chives Chowder, the man who taught me
how to play the blues, and gave me my magic harmonica."Pekoe proudly held up his
harmonica and added reassuringly, "I washed it."
I rubbed my chin, "So, Chives taught you the blues?"
Pekoe nodded, "Yes sir, I was just about eight and three quarters the first time I
met Chives Chowder. I was black, living in the Hicksburg, Louisiana with four brothers and
three sisters and none of them had the same daddy as me. Never did I meet my real father.
I did have a step dad. He was a mean spirited old man. He used beat me and my brothers and
sisters with an old rusty metal flag pole. That's why whenever I wasn't having old cranky
hoes shove redundant facts down my throat, doing my parents cruel slave labor, or being
beaten by my step dad, I was off in that old vacant lot, listening to Chives. Chives
standing on his soapbox, playing the blues, talking about life, love, loss, war, peace,
sin, pleasure, death, and all the secrets of the universe. Sometimes Chives was mad as
hell. Sometimes he was bluer than a frost bitten Eskimo. Sometimes he was happier than a
AP English teacher in a bookstore. Most of the time, he was just Chives. Sometimes he'd
be drunker than a recently laid off drunk sailing in a raft through an ocean of whiskey.
Sometimes he'd be so high he could touch the moon. Sometimes he'd be sober, and hearing
the words flying from his mouth like flaming chariots of truth and wisdom, seeing the know
ledge on exhibit in his expansive mind, seeing all the spectacular paintings of the truths
that Chives bore witness to, seeing all that, it would feel like he was the only sober
man to walk on the face of the entire world. And no matter what, Chives was always
surrounded by an aura of pure magic."
"It was rare that Chives would ever get violent physically. Chives was always there
on his soapbox throne, surveying his kingdom, available for all who needed his bluesy
ballads. Chives always would listen to everybody's issues. Never taking out his meter
stick and measuring them, and never putting them on scale to compare them to other
problems. Chives would just brew some tea over his everlasting eternal bond fire and
listen to you. Chives liked his tea, drinking it like he belonged at King Arthur's noble
round table. I never knew where he got all that tea, I never did see Chives work at a
genuine job. And yet, whatever your worries would be, Chives could recite to you a little
incantation you could scrawl down on a lonely piece of paper which would blow all those
troubles away. Hours upon hours I spent with Chives, having him help me unlock all the
wondrous mysteries of the blues. Whole seasons Chives spent with me, passing along his
sacred heavenly knowledge of how to take jet black ink, moldy yellow paper, old rusty
strings, long brass tubes, beats on a membrane, brisk whistles through bronze rods,
inventive cerebral torridity and turn all that into the blues. My first ever song was
entitled Mean Old Miss Becket. When Chives heard it, he chucked me up onto his grand
stage, gave me a microphone, put the spotlight on me, and had me sing my song for all the
townsfolk gathered in his lot. Over time I reached a place where it would be common for my
name to be on the massive lit up now playing sign outside Chives' lot. Sometimes he'd even
get up and start clapping his hands along to my beat, singing the backing vocals, and
playing his instruments of bewilderment to my rhythm. Just like Alfred Hitchcock sticking
himself in the background of one of his proud works. One day, when I was about eighteen
and half a quarter, Chives was talking to me backstage after an electric funky show.
Chives told me that I needed to leave town and go out to see all the wonders of the
"That's just what I did. For a decade, I would walk thousands of miles, traveling the
globe, seeing all of it's wonders divine and wicked. Meeting all kinds of people white,
brown, black, yellow, and blue. Picking crops from fields of every continent, nation, and
state. Meeting all kind of creature of land, air, and sea. Learning from the kings of the
monoliths of glass and steel, to the masters of cows, grass, corn, and wheat, from
families grilling a magnificent slab of meat out back, to the lonely scribe feeding on
noodles in his run down quarters, from the houses of parliament, to the witchdoctors in
the backwoods of Africa. Finally, after all my wandering, I arrived back at Hicksburg. I
went to find Chives. I wanted to tell him all my tales, how I became Pekoe, all the great
and terrible things I had done, I wanted to show him how I had grown. The trouble of it
was though, Chives had grown too. Excessively. He had cancer. Chives set me down with
some tea, he explained it to me. He gave me his magic harmonica. And then a few days
later, his spirit emerged from it's rotten earthly cocoon, and flew away to the great
heavenly promised land to join the divine choir of angels that sing their unimaginable
song for all eternity. Never did I ever know why God let such a terrible, cruel thing
happen to a man like Chives. Before it was laid to rest in the ground, I stood over his
empty shell, using it's leftover magic to play a peaceful melancholy melody in Chives'
memory. As I played I looked out into the mass of colors of people Chives touched, so many
that not even the biggest nation could sustain them long. I saw Chives brother in the
crowd, uncomfortable, wearing the same authoritative suit he always did to work. He was
holding in his lap a mind with all the righteous mighty power of Chives', but with none of
that great intangible insightful wisdom. The brother of Chives sat throughout my sad song,
wondering how his worthless vagrant brother could draw in such a mass of souls in mourning
over his movement into the great beyond."
"Never did the sun ever shine on Hicksburg again. The clouds of despair and grief
gathered above the city and brought down one thousand years of constant freezing glacial
rain. Every blade of grass in town went brown, the trees shed all they leaves, the flowers
shriveled into the deep dark void of nothingness, the farmers woke up to find all they
crops gone. Never has a crop grown in Hicksburg since the day Chives died. All the roads
became worn, cracked and riddled with potholes. All of the homes experienced two centuries
of violent rapid decay. Not a single drop of food ever tasted the proper taste inside
Hicksburg again. When night fell, not a soul could get the lights to work right. The city
had lost the man who put the Cannabinoilis in they tea. I left Hicksburg the night Chives
died, and never have I ever gone back. I decided that I would go out into the world,
wondering through the lands of forlorn, sinister, desolate sadness, and try to bring a
little of Chives' magic to it's denizens. And so I have."
"Choke on toxic fumes until you die, feel shards of glass remove your eyes, turn to
slush and fuse with molten metal, or fly into pieces of flesh and blood to land where your
remains will settle."was the sound that came from my stereo to break the silence
after Pekoe's story.
Pekoe nodded his head, "That there is a fine song."
I stared at him for a second, and then said, "Yeah, that's Babel. It's a modern
version of the story of the Tower of Babel. It's about God destroying our decadent modern
society and then confounding the languages again.”
"Who did you say this band was?"asked Pekoe.
I replied, "Remez a Jewish metal band. They have some less heavy, more musical stuff
later on in their career."
"How about that?"Pekoe replied.
"Yeah..."I said, "This is their second album, Nephilim. It's more
unpolished than their other stuff and much more heavy. It's not their best, but I still
like it. And it's good when you want bone grinding heavy music."
Pekoe shrugged, "That may be so, but it still sounds pretty good."
I nodded, "Yeah, Remez is good. They've been around for a while. They're getting
ready to release their seventh album, Tetragrammaton. They're really good, but they never
caught on with the mainstream."
"That's a damn shame."was Pekoe's response to this.
I looked off into space, "Yeah, I wish that Remez could have commercial success."
Pekoe chuckled, "Boy, you living down in the valley which lies next to the mountain
from which the wicked feudal honky lords chuck all their decadent waste. You roam around
the town all day like a rigid laboring machine, doing the tasks programed into the white
pagan corporate demon that's been possessin' your mind. Then you come home and numb the
pain by tripping out on cyberspace for hours at a time before falling into a deep
depressing coma for five hours and going over the cycle all over again, just like you a
hamster on it's diabolical running wheel. Why you all concerned with getting other people
out the valley?"
I thought about it for a minute before mumbling, "I don't know..."
Pekoe smiled, "Come on now, Ruby Drip, you ain't had your pass by over the dark
forest of life on the back of a scaly yellow metallic eagle?"
I probably looked confused as I said, "No."
"Damn straight, Ruby Drip,"Pekoe quickly responded, "There ain't no pass
overs of the dark forest. And they ain't no map either. Still, has Ruby discovered what
direction he wants to go?"
I paused, "Uh...no. I mean, I hate being a laboring machine and doing redundant stuff
that doesn't help me but...I'm caught in a system. I don't know how to get out. I know I
often think of leaving town."
Pekoe said, "And just like the slaves of Jefferson Davis's wicked kingdom of cotton
drones, Ruby Drip is dreaming of his promised land. Where is this promised land?"
"Oregon."I said, and quickly defended my response, "It just seems like a
nice place to live."
Pekoe nodded, "Oregon is a fine place to make your place, but just like the old
sturdy slightly faded brown basket of sweet young pale faced tight pussied little red
riding hood, a life don't do you much good with nothing inside it. What do you put in the
basket of you life, Ruby Drip, will it be pork or green beans? Children or bitches? Red
blood or black ink? Books or paintings?"
"I don't know..."was my reply, "I guess I just want to go around having
adventures...and trying to learn what I can."
Pekoe smiled, "Well shit, Ruby, just jump on the purple dragon and take a ride."
I heard the sound of explosions and screaming outside. Pekoe gestured at me to go to the
window. As I went, I heard the sound of gunfire and more explosions. When I got to the
window, I looked outside and saw a giant purple dragon in the middle of my street. It had
destroying four houses across from mine and was battling with an army of lawn gnomes armed
with military riffles. "Go on then..."came Pekoe's voice behind me, "Get on
that purple dragon."
Small tanks about the size of a tricycle piloted by lawn gnomes stormed onto my street.
More lawn gnomes ran up to the dragon as their comrades were consumed by it's flame. They
held rocket launchers and began a deadly assault with them. Miniature jet fighters about
the size of foosball table, again, piloted by lawn gnomes flew up to the purple dragon and
bombarded it with a barrage of hellfire. With three passes through the sky with it's
mighty fire breath, the purple dragon caused all of the fighter jets to come crashing to
One of the gnome fighter pilots crawled out of the twisted remains of his fighter jet,
pulled out a bag of potato chips, and went up to a gnome soldier on the ground. The lawn
gnome whispered, "Give these to my son."and then he held the bag up to the gnome
The gnome soldier took the bag and said, "I will."As soon as the gnome pilot's
life expired, the gnome solider opened the bag and ate all the chips.
A second gnome soldier noticed this and said, "What did ya do that for, ya greedy
"They'll be plenty of chips for his little yelp when we win the war."the first
"Aye,"the second soldier said, "But what if we don't win this war? What if
that be the last bag of potato chips in the country?"
The first solider looked angry, "That's crazy talk, you defeatist lawn jockey. You
treacherous bastard."The first soldier then shot the second one, and
yelled, "No dragon will take my potato chips away, and no dragon is going to stop me
from sitting on the couch for days on end watching my Television."Upon chanting this,
the lawn solider fired several shots into the air and then was promptly crushed to death
by the dragon's tail.
Pekoe walked up behind me, and said, "Do not pity them, Ruby Drip, for they are the
denizens of the land of fear and ignorance."Pekoe took out a pair of sunglasses and
put them on, "Now, come on Ruby, let's go."Pekoe jumped out of the window and
onto the street, I followed his lead. The lawn gnomes turned on Pekoe and me and tried to
shoot us. I went for cover behind some rose bushes Terry had planted, Pekoe just stood in
place, but he didn't get shot. Then he took out a book and opened it, and instantly all
the lawn gnomes evaporated into nothingness. I emerged from my rosebush cover.
"What the hell is that? The Necronomicon?"I asked.
Pekoe shook his head, "Classic literature, it's like atomic hellfire from the
highest tier of angel to the denizens of of the land of ignorance and fear."Pekoe
walked towards the dragon. I heard the door to my house open behind me.
I looked back and saw Teaspoon on the porch, with a shotgun in his hand and looking
furious, he said. As Pekoe was getting on the purple dragon, he asked, "Boy, what
have I told you about fighting lawn gnomes?"
Teaspoon looked a little embarrassed, "Classic literature, sorry I forgot."Teaspoon
looked at the purple dragon and asked, "What'cha all doing?"
Pekoe smiled, "Going on an epic wild adventure and taking a ride on the old majestic
faithful freedom train to escape the decadent waste and cold rigid iron changes of the
wicked honky feudal lords."
"That sounds like fun."Teaspoon replied, "Mind if I come along?"
"Yes, but you all better hurry up and get on this purple dragon."Pekoe said,
prompting Teaspoon and I to climb onto the dragon's back. Just after we did this, a car
pulled into our driveway, Terry got out of it.
"Well, if it isn't the Epicene Machine."Pekoe said at Terry getting out.
Terry frowned, "Hey guys...epic battle in the front yard again?"
Teaspoon shouted to be heard by Terry, "Yeah, and now we're going on a quest."
"Yeah..."Terry said uncomfortably, "Yeah, I really don't need all this
crazy shit today,guys. I've got my son with me, Temperance..."A five year old boy
got out of the car, "You remember Temperance? He comes over often."Terry looked
down at Temperance and said in a low voice, "Please, don't go home and tell your
mother about all the lawn gnome guts you saw here."
Pekoe exclaimed, "Well look at that, the Epicene Machine got laid."
"Yeah, that was back in high school before he was openly gay."I said, "It
was back in high school. When he was in the closet and over compensating for it by having
wild crazy sex and riding motorcycles.”
Terry looked indignant, "I'm not gay, Redphantom, I'm just in touch with my feminine
side."Terry glared at me before adding, "At least I didn't decide to get in
touch with my crazy side after high school."
I felt shocked, "Just a joke, man..."
"Mine wasn't."Terry replied with scorn, "You've changed. I don't even think
I know you anymore. I go out and I work and I come home to epic battles and all this crazy
shit. I'm tired of it.”
I mumbled, "I'm the same I've always been...I've deepened my world views and stuff
"I'm seriously tired of being your roommate."Terry said angrily, "All you
ever talk about is politics, philosophies, jokes, your stupid dead end projects, and
yourself. Prick. Get a life and watch more television."I didn't reply, and the words
stung. Terry might have been an unstable drama queen asshole, but he was my friend, god
damn it. And a close one. It bothered me that he suddenly seemed to dislike me, and that I
had somehow become a major annoyance to him. I did not understand what had changed. I had
always been into politics and talked about it often. I had always been a little more
crazy and gotten involved in twisted crazy situations. It had gotten worse lately, but, I
was getting better at creating crazy situations. I was getting better at being a crazy
rebellious maniac. And it seemed that the more I developed as a person, the more people
hated me for it. I just sat in silence on that dragon and took it all in.
I missed most of the conversation which was between Pekoe, Teaspoon, and Terry. I caught
the end, which was Terry sighing and then saying, "Fine, I'll come along. Come on
Temperance, we're going on a trip."Terry took the boy's hand and the two of them
started walking towards the dragon when Terry said, "For the love of god, don't tell
your mother we went on a trip over the weekend."After that, Terry and Temperance got
on the dragon and it took off into the air.
Five minutes went by before Pekoe asked, "What's the name of Remez's latest CD of
"Aron Habrit, their sixth album."I replied.
A stereo appeared next to us and began to blast the riff to the opening song of Aron
Habrit, Kneel. Pekoe said, "I wanted to hear some of their more polished records."
I did not say anything to anyone for the rest of the trip on the purple dragon, I just sat
silently and took in the music. All the things Terry had gotten angry at me for, earlier
and recently, were only my natural tendencies. If he had a problem with what I like to
talk about, or how I do things, then I would just cease speaking to him at all. Maybe the
next time I hopped on a purple dragon, I would do it alone, and never return. Just like
Pekoe never went back to his home. During the ride, I took in all the nice scenery below
us, and the music I loved. At track number 9, Jericho, Pekoe turned to me and
said, "Blow my saxophone Ruby Drip."
"What?"I replied, confused.
"Blow on my saxophone."Pekoe repeated, and suddenly I was holding a saxophone
in my hands. I blew into it just as Pekoe asked, and immediately afterwards, the stereo
and the purple dragon turned into a haze. All five of us began to plummet to the ground.
An inflatable raft appeared magically below Pekoe and Temperance, and they fell into it
which ensured them a soft landing. Teaspoon, Terry, and myself however, fell flat on our
asses. Pekoe laughed at us, "Back in ancient times when man first discovered the
esoteric mysterious secrets of birds and found out how to replicate it, there were no
airports. When you wanted to land, you just took a deep breath, put your jumbled fried
nerves back in place and took a magnificent plunging leap. Your generation is soft."
A horde of pale people dressed in black carrying long swords surrounded us. Their leader,
a short man holding a human skull who had red eyes, fangs, and long black fingernails
stepped forward. He laughed maniacally, and said, "Now we have more blood for the
Pekoe calmly got out of the inflatable raft and said, "Those sure are some nice
nail files you boys got."
Click here for Part II
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